The Right Kind of Selfish

Am I selfish?  I can’t tell you the number of times I have asked myself that question and every time I arrive at the same conclusion… Yes, I am.  I don’t even like the sound of the word, it oozes negativity and arrogance and if someone called me selfish, I would probably be deeply offended.  But if I’m being honest with myself, I am a bit selfish.  I’ve always made a conscious effort to not negatively affect those around me, but in my weakest moments or times of stress I’m sure that I have.  It is something that I have concentrated effort towards most of my life, to not allow that natural selfishness to hurt someone else. 

For me, selfishness is the pursuit of a particular feeling or fulfilment of a need that just overpowers my desire to be the person that I am meant to be at times.  If I’m tired, hungry, or over stimulated for example, the selfishness creeps in and tries to take over and it’s a real struggle.  I like to think that everyone succumbs to those core human issues at times, believing that makes me feel a little better.  I’ve been told over and over that I am too hard on myself when it comes to certain things, and this is likely one of them.  But, if I didn’t fight it or channel that energy into something else, I think that I would have the potential to be a pretty lousy and selfish person to be around and I just hate that thought.

Sure, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and the older I get I accept that fact and even appreciate it.  It alleviates a lot of stress to not waste energy trying to please everyone.  However, if I pushed someone away because of selfishness, that would bother me, and I would have a difficult time living with it.  Self-awareness and just trying to be a good human has served me well in not allowing selfish behaviors to run rampant in my life.  However, there was one realization that I had many years ago that truly changed my outlook on the topic and allowed me an outlet to channel selfish energy into something positive.  Something that I like to call “the right kind of selfish.”

At first glance, that doesn’t seem like an appropriate combination of words, but that’s just because we’ve all been taught and conditioned to believe that selfishness can only be associated with negativity.  That belief is largely true, there are not many situations where selfishness leads to positive outcomes, but just like everything in life there is always a zone where positivity and growth can exist.  I said earlier that for me, selfishness is the pursuit of a particular feeling or fulfilment of a need. It’s still just as true now as it was when I discovered it many years ago, but what if the feeling in question benefits others?  Is that still considered selfish? 

I’m borderline addicted to the feeling I get from helping and motivating others toward achieving goals and discovering potential.  That feeling is the best high that I’ve ever experienced.  Remove the “helping and motivating others” from that statement and suddenly we are looking at a selfish and negative behavior or thought.  That is why I believe there is both a wrong and right kind of selfish. By understanding that and then channeling your energy toward helping others, you can use selfishness that would otherwise be misplaced for a greater good. 

The dictionary defines the word selfish as “being concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.”  Well guess what, I actively pursue and am concerned with achieving the feeling of pleasure that I get from motivating and helping others.  It is literally the force that drives me, I draw power and energy simply from the thought and memory of achieving that feeling.  I could change the goal above to almost anything other than “helping others” and you would likely think negatively of that statement and probably consider me a selfish person.  For example, if I said I actively pursue and am concerned with achieving the feeling of pleasure that I get from… making money, winning, etc. it would have a much different vibe.  Those things feel nice to do and have but it just sounds a little selfish as compared to wanting to helping others. 

Maybe I’m just very lucky that my most overwhelming selfish thoughts and behaviors are ones that benefit others.  Truth be told, I thank God daily for putting that on my heart and blessing me with the strength to pursue it with passion and determination.  I suppose I could have just as easily been obsessed with making money, doing drugs, or any number of other selfish behaviors that could potentially harm others.  You can call it whatever you want, but I’m eternally grateful that I love helping others through coaching, speaking, and writing.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t do it for me just a little, because I love the way it makes me feel.  I love it so much that I would do just about anything to get the feeling that I get from it, which sounds a lot like the definition of selfish. 

I’m not trying to paint a picture that I am model human being without flaws.  I still possess the wrong kind of selfishness in areas of my life that I must actively address and channel into other avenues.  For example, I lack patience, I hate losing, and I can be quick to anger in unfavorable circumstances.  All of those examples have the ability at any moment to lead me down the path towards the wrong kind of selfishness.  Sometimes I still take that path or at least envision taking it.  I think that the key to overcoming or at least managing selfishness is self-awareness and the ability to forgive yourself when you slip up and focus on being and/or reacting better next time.

I can tell you that the more time and energy that I put into helping others achieve things and feel good about themselves, the less negativity I seem to have in my own life.  When I am being the right kind of selfish and pursuing the feeling that I’m after that comes from helping others, my life gets easier, and my outlook gets brighter. 

I think that we are all blessed in one way or another even if we don’t realize it.  We were all created for a purpose, and nobody can fill our shoes on earth, we are all one of a kind.  It’s been said that we each have a reservoir full of blessings, if we consistently drain that reservoir by pouring it into others, it gets filled back up with new and more exciting blessings each time.  Conversely, if we just let it stay full and never allow it to be drained down and refilled, we’ll stand still, become complacent and always feel like we want/deserve more.   

I will likely always have to actively be aware of all the factors that can contribute to selfishness, I don’t see myself ever just waking up someday and not wanting to do things that make me feel good.  Discovering that there may just be a right kind of selfish has definitely helped me to channel my energies in a positive direction and allow me to do the things that make me feel good while still helping others.  Think about the things that make you feel good, what are you chasing in this life? If you can find a way to get those feelings by helping others, I think that you will find what I did many years ago and be well on your way to discovering your calling and purpose. 

This message probably won’t resonate with everyone, I doubt that anything I ever say or do will have the same positive effect on all that see or hear it.  There isn’t much that I can do to change that, but if it helps just one of you, then I got my daily dose of the right kind of selfish and I feel pretty good about it. 

I believe this is a trait that many people possess, teachers, coaches, nurses, and all those in the helping profession come to mind.  It is not unique to me by any means, but I wanted to share those thoughts with you today in hopes that they could be helpful.  I don’t think eliminating all selfishness from life is a realistic or possible goal, but if you can focus on the right kind of selfishness and make it a predominant thought, I think that you will be well on your way to discovering a happier and more balanced life.